The year was 2006 when Kelly (OG Youtuber, LiamKyleSullivan), famously stated “You can’t text message breakup.” For years, this set the stage for me believing that the text message breakup was the worst thing one could inflict upon a soon-to-be-ex-lover and that the only respectable breakup, is face-to-face.
But, it’s 2024. Do we still feel the same way about breaking up over text that we used to? My senses say things have changed a bit and that there is a time and a place for it, and sometimes even a preference for it.
If you’re reading this, you probably have someone in mind you need to break the news to, and you’re probably not just wondering “how” to, but “should you." Well, today, I’ll help you answer all of those questions for your own scenario, to hopefully result in the best possible outcomes for everyone.
Is it okay to breakup over text?
Before we begin to answer how to breakup over text, we’ve got to answer, should you? This is where context is crucial. As you may have guessed, timing plays a big role in this. And, in today’s fast-paced dating world where many of us are going on multiple Tinder dates a week, text can suffice in many circumstances.
Here’s when it’s okay to breakup over text:
If the relationship is unofficial (meaning no exclusivity was established).
If you’ve been actively going on dates with each other for less than 2 months.
If you are in danger of harassment or abuse in-person or over the phone.
If you have both mutually agreed previously that text breakups are a preference (this one's more unlikely, but I guess it could happen).
Some exceptions where you may want to take more consideration and care:
If you’ve gotten very emotionally close, spent an exceptionable amount of time together or the relationship feels like it has considerable depth.
If you regularly talk over the phone, a phone chat may be more comfortable for both parties.
If you have mutual friends or there is a great likelihood of seeing each other again, you might want to be more careful about using text.
If you’ve been dating longer than 2 months, but still aren’t exclusive yet, you may want to consider providing more than a text.
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How to break up with someone over text: what to say
Trying to find the words to say something that you know will likely put a blow to someone's ego is pretty challenging. But remember, the transparency is going to reward both of you. Below, I’ve put together a basic template you can follow and a checklist to ensure you handle the breakup with care, even if it’s from the comfort of your mobile device.
Breakup text template
Hey [NAME]! I’ve been thinking/considering reflecting on our connection/relationship/us a lot lately. While I [insert thing that you love about them/the relationship], I feel/think [reason for breakup]. I wish you the best of luck finding the right person for you [maybe add one more compliment].
Breakup text checklist
Let them know you put considerable thought into this and that this isn’t an impulsive decision.
Let them know that you enjoyed your time with them and that they are awesome (even if they aren’t).
Give a valid reason, even if it’s just “I lost feelings.” Avoiding vagueness is better, but don’t be insulting.
Wish them the best of luck and, once again, remind them that they are a catch, it’s just not the right fit.
If there is anything that needs to be dealt with (a toothbrush that needs returning, concert tickets that need to be refunded, etc.) deal with it after answering their initial response to the breakup text.
Reasons for breaking up with someone
The area most people struggle with when it comes to finding the words is the “reason” for the breakup. Also known as “closure,” this can be one of the most helpful or hurtful things you can do for the receipt.
Ideally, you want to be as honest as possible–most people can see through the fake, “It’s not you it’s me,” sentiments. That is, unless it "being you" was clearly evidenced throughout the relationship. However, avoiding getting too personal and acknowledging that this is a result of both of you coming together, not just one of you being present, can help soften the hurt.
So, if you’re struggling to find the words, here are some of the top reasons why people breakup that might shed some light on your feelings:
"I don’t feel ready for something serious yet."
"The chemistry just doesn’t feel right."
"Our values and beliefs are too different."
"This feels like more of a friend connection than a romantic one."
"We have different life goals and priorities."
"Our lifestyles are just too different."
"We’ve grown apart and I think it’s best for both of us to move on."
"The long-distance aspect of our relationship is too challenging."
"My feelings have changed and I no longer feel the same way."
"I need to prioritize my mental and emotional health."
"I need to focus on my career right now."
"We just don’t have enough in common."
"Our social circles are too different or incompatible."
"I’m too introverted/extroverted to be with you."
"The timing just isn’t right for us."
"I feel like we’re too dependent on each other."
"I feel like we are too independent of each other."
"I feel like we’ve got different life timelines."
"We don’t have strong enough communication."
"My emotional/physical needs aren’t met."
"I have developed feelings for someone else."
"Substance abuse issues are affecting our relationship."
"I'm not ready to be with someone who has children."
"I want more adventure and spontaneity in my life, which we don’t share."
"Our levels of ambition and drive are mismatched."
"We have different ways of handling conflict, and it's not working for us."
"We're not compatible in terms of intimacy and physical affection."
"Our love languages are different."
How long should a breakup text be?
Glad you asked. It’s pretty simple: How long you’ve been dating someone should directly correlate to how long your message is.
If you’ve been seeing this person for >5 dates, you don’t need it to be super long. If it was just a first date, you probably don’t even need to use my whole template. You could probably just say “Hey, I had a really great time but don’t think we had the right chemistry” And, leave it at that.
If you have been seeing someone for a while, writing something longer shows that you care about them and put more thought into this decision. For longer-term relationships, you’ll want to expand on both the “reason” section and the “compliments” sections of the template.
When should I break up with someone?
Timing matters a lot when it comes to sending a breakup text. Think about it–you couldn’t dedicate time to meet, so now the other person is going to be receiving this news out of nowhere in the middle of the day.
To avoid bad timing, think about what their day looks like. Do they have a corporate job? Maybe don’t send them a breakup text between 9-5. Are they a bartender? Let’s avoid late-night breakup texts. Do they have a big exam tomorrow morning that they told you they were stressed about? Maybe don’t send them the text tonight. Is it their freaking birthday? You. Can. Wait. Seriously. Enough said.
30 Breakup Text Ideas You Can Send
These are all short, simple messages that you can tweak or send as is (though I recommend customizing). Most of these texts will work best for shorter-term senarios but can be further customized by expanding on the “reason” and the “compliments” section of the text, making it more appropriate for longer-lived relationships.
"Hi, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I believe it's best for both of us if we go our separate ways. You deserve someone who aligns with your needs right now."
"I care about you deeply, but I think we're better suited as friends. I hope you understand."
"I've come to realize that our goals and priorities are different. It's best for us to part ways on good terms."
"This isn't easy for me, but I think it's best if we end our relationship. I wish you all the best."
"I've really enjoyed our time together, but I need to focus on my personal growth. I think it's best if we move on separately."
"I feel like we've lost the connection we once had. I believe it's better for both of us to move forward separately."
"I need some time to figure things out on my own. I think it's best for us to end our relationship, but I truly wish you the best."
"Our values and beliefs are important to us, but they seem to be causing strain. It's probably best for us to go our separate ways."
"This relationship isn't working for me anymore, and I think it's best for both of us if we move on. Thank you for understanding."
"I need to focus on myself and my career at this point in my life. I believe it's best if we end things here."
"I've been feeling disconnected lately, and I think it's best for both of us to break up. I appreciate everything we've shared."
"This is hard for me, but I think we need to break up. Our relationship isn't making me happy anymore, and I want the best for both of us."
"Our differences are significant, and I think it's best for us to part ways. I wish you nothing but happiness."
"I need to be honest with you. My feelings have changed, and I think it's best if we end our relationship. I hope we can both find happiness."
"We both deserve to be with someone who is more compatible. It's time for us to end our relationship, and I wish you the best."
"We've grown apart, and I think it's best for both of us to move on. I appreciate the time we've spent together."
"I've been struggling with this decision, but I think it's best for us to break up. We aren't right for each other, and I hope we can both find happiness."
"I need to take care of my mental health, and this relationship is making it difficult. I think it's best if we part ways."
"I care about you, but I don't see a future for us. It's better if we end things now while we can still appreciate the good times we've had."
"Our relationship has trust issues that we haven't been able to resolve. It's probably best for us to go our separate ways."
"I've realized that I'm not ready for the level of commitment this relationship requires. It's best if we break up now before it gets more difficult."
"I think we both need to focus on ourselves right now. It's better if we end our relationship amicably."
"Our different life goals are creating too much conflict. I think it's best for both of us if we break up."
"I need to be true to myself, and that means ending our relationship. I hope you understand and find happiness."
"We've tried to make this work, but it just doesn't seem to be happening. It's time for us to break up and move forward separately."
"I need more independence and space to figure things out. It's best if we break up, but I wish you all the best."
"We have different interests and lifestyles that aren't compatible. It's better for both of us if we part ways."
"I've been feeling unhappy in our relationship, and I think it's time for us to break up. I appreciate everything we've shared."
"Our relationship isn't fulfilling my needs anymore. It's best if we move on separately, and I hope we both find what we're looking for."
"I think it's time for us to break up. We both deserve to find happiness elsewhere, and I wish you the best."
Conclusion
As ABBA says, breaking up is never easy. But that song did come out before the invention of the smartphone, so, I think it’s fair to say that it has gotten (relatively) easier. However just because we get to type our words instead of looking into someone’s puppy dog eyes when we’re saying them, doesn’t mean we can neglect care and respect. So please–for the love of my faith in humanity–do your best.
One final thought I want to leave you with–you might be sitting there, hunched over your iPhone, feeling like words don’t matter. Guess what? They will matter to you someday, and you will have wished the other person put thought and care into them. Most of us 21st century humans have been or will be broken up with over text. Keep that in mind the next time you’re breaking someone’s heart mobily.
Not sure if you should send that breakup text? Sign up to get the Beta version of Teatime to get live input on your texts from strangers.
FAQs
Is it ever okay to ghost someone?
Absolutely not. Unless the other person is harassing, bullying or being disrespectful towards you, you should always make the effort to respond to their text, even if it’s just to inform them that you won’t be engaging with them further.
If they press me for more information, should I give it to them?
If you feel comfortable doing so. If not, tell them that it’s personal and that you’re not comfortable sharing further information regarding your decision. As stated above, try your best to not take this opportunity to ghost them.
How do I handle their reaction to the breakup text?
Be prepared for a range of emotions. Respond calmly and kindly, and if they need closure, try to provide a brief explanation without engaging in a prolonged conversation.
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